Monty Python and the Holy Grail Script Part 1
Monty Python and the Holy Grail ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ KING ARTHUR Graham Chapman
PATSY Terry Gilliam
SOLDIER #1 Michael Palin
SOLDIER #2 John Cleese
CART-MASTER Eric Idle
CUSTOMER John Cleese
DEAD PERSON John Young
DENNIS Michael Palin
WOMAN Terry Jones
BLACK KNIGHT John Cleese
GREEN KNIGHT Terry Gilliam
VILLAGER #1 Eric Idle
VILLAGER #2 Michael Palin
SIR BEDEVERE Terry Jones
WITCH Connie Booth
VILLAGER #3 John Cleese
VILLAGER #4 Neil Innes
NARRATOR Michael Palin
SIR LAUNCELOT John Cleese
SIR GALAHAD Michael Palin
SIR ROBIN Eric Idle
PRISONER Mark Zycon
MAN Neil Innes
GOD Graham Chapman
FRENCH GUARD John Cleese
HISTORIAN John Young
KNIGHT John Cleese
HISTORIAN’S WIFE Rita Davies
MINSTREL Neil Innes
LEFT HEAD Terry Jones
MIDDLE HEAD Graham Chapman
RIGHT HEAD Michael Palin
ZOOT Carol Cleveland
PIGLET Avril Stewart
WINSTON Sally Kinghorn
DINGO Carol Cleveland
OLD MAN/BRIDGEKEEPER Terry Gilliam
TIM THE ENCHANTER John Cleese
HEAD KNIGHT OF NI Michael Palin
CARTOON CHARACTER Terry Jones
FATHER Michael Palin
PRINCE HERBERT Terry Jones
GUARD #1 Eric Idle
GUARD #2 Graham Chapman
CONCORDE Eric Idle
GUEST #1 Michael Palin
GUEST #2 Michael Palin
OLD CRONE Bee Duffell
ROGER THE SHRUBBER Eric Idle
RABBIT OF CAERBANNOG Himself
BORS Terry Gilliam
BROTHER MAYNARD Eric Idle
SECOND BROTHER Michael Palin
ANIMATOR Terry Gilliam
Scene 1
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
GUARD #1: What, ridden on a horse?
GUARD #1: You’re using coconuts!
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through—
GUARD #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut’s tropical!
GUARD #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
GUARD #1: What — a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
GUARD #1: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
GUARD #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
GUARD #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow, that’s my point.
GUARD #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
GUARD #1: But then of course African swallows are not migratory.
GUARD #1: So they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.
GUARD #1: No, they’d have to have it on a line.
GUARD #2: Well, simple! They’d just use a strand of creeper!
GUARD #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?
Scene 2
MORTICIAN:Bring out your dead!
Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
[clang] Bring out your dead!
CUSTOMER: Here’s one — nine pence.
CUSTOMER: Nothing — here’s your nine pence.
CUSTOMER: Well, he will be soon, he’s very ill.
CUSTOMER: No, you’re not — you’ll be stone dead in a moment.
MORTICIAN: Oh, I can’t take him like that — it’s against regulations.
CUSTOMER: Oh, don’t be such a baby.
MORTICIAN: I can’t take him.
CUSTOMER: Oh, do us a favor.
CUSTOMER: Well, can you hang around a couple of minutes? He won’t be long.
CUSTOMER: Well, when is your next round?
DEAD PERSON: I think I’ll go for a walk.
CUSTOMER: You’re not fooling anyone y’know. Look, isn’t there something you can do?
CUSTOMER: Ah, thanks very much.
MORTICIAN: Not at all. See you on Thursday.
MORTICIAN: He hasn’t got shit all over him.
Scene 3
ARTHUR: Man, sorry. What knight lives in that castle over there?
DENNIS: Well, you could say `Dennis’.
ARTHUR: Well, I didn’t know you were called `Dennis.’
DENNIS: Well, you didn’t bother to find out, did you?
DENNIS: What I object to is you automatically treat me like an inferior!
WOMAN: Dennis, there’s some lovely filth down here. Oh — how d’you do?
ARTHUR: How do you do, good lady. I am Arthur, King of the Britons. Who’s castle is that?
ARTHUR: Well, we all are. we’re all Britons and I am your king.
WOMAN: Oh there you go, bringing class into it again.
ARTHUR: Please, please good people. I am in haste. Who lives in that castle?
ARTHUR: Then who is your lord?
WOMAN: We don’t have a lord.
DENNIS: I told you. We’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune. We take it in turns to act as a sort of executive officer for the week.
DENNIS: —but by a two-thirds majority in the case of more—
WOMAN: Order, eh — who does he think he is?
WOMAN: Well, I didn’t vote for you.
ARTHUR: You don’t vote for kings.
DENNIS: Listen — strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. Supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not from some farcical aquatic ceremony.
ARTHUR: Shut up! Will you shut up!
Scene 4
[battle sounds]
[Black Knight defeats another knight in a bloody battle as Arthur watches]
ARTHUR:You fight with the strength of many men, Sir Knight.
[pause]
I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
[pause]
I seek the finest and the bravest knights in the land to join me in my Court of Camelot.
[pause]
You have proved yourself worthy; will you join me?
[pause]
You make me sad. So be it. Come, Patsy.
ARTHUR: I have no quarrel with you, good Sir knight, but I must cross this bridge.
BLACK KNIGHT: Then you shall die.
ARTHUR: I command you as King of the Britons to stand aside!
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT’s left arm off after a short battle]
ARTHUR: Now stand aside, worthy adversary.
ARTHUR: A scratch? Your arm’s off!
ARTHUR: Well, what’s that then?
BLACK KNIGHT: I’ve had worse.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT’s right arm off]
ARTHUR: Victory is mine! [kneeling] We thank thee Lord, that in thy merc-
[Black Knight kicks Arthur in the head while he is praying]
BLACK KNIGHT: Come on then.
ARTHUR: You are indeed brave, Sir knight, but the fight is mine.
BLACK KNIGHT: Oh, had enough, eh?
BLACK KNIGHT: Just a flesh wound.
[Headbutts Arthur in the chest]
ARTHUR: Look, I’ll have your leg. Right! [whop]
BLACK KNIGHT: Right, I’ll do you for that!
BLACK KNIGHT: I’m invincible!
BLACK KNIGHT: The Black Knight always triumphs! Have at you! Come on then.
[ARTHUR chops the BLACK KNIGHT’s other leg off]
Scene 5
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch! We’ve got a witch! A witch!
BEDEVERE: How do you know she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: She looks like one.
BEDEVERE: Bring her forward.
BEDEVERE: But you are dressed as one.
WITCH: And this isn’t my nose, it’s a false one.
VILLAGER #1: And the hat — but she is a witch!
CROWD: Burn her! Witch! Witch! Burn her!
CROWD: No, no. no . yes. Yes, yes, a bit, a bit.
VILLAGER #1: She has got a wart.
BEDEVERE: What makes you think she is a witch?
VILLAGER #2: Burn her anyway!
BEDEVERE: Quiet, quiet. Quiet! There are ways of telling whether she is a witch.
CROWD: Are there? What are they?
BEDEVERE: And what do you burn apart from witches?
BEDEVERE: So, why do witches burn?
VILLAGER #3: B—. ’cause they’re made of wood.
VILLAGER #1: Build a bridge out of her.
BEDEVERE: Aah, but can you not also make bridges out of stone?
BEDEVERE: Does wood sink in water?
VILLAGER #2: It floats! It floats!
VILLAGER #1: Throw her into the pond!
VILLAGER #3: Very small rocks!
VILLAGER #3: Churches — churches!
BEDEVERE: Exactly! So, logically.
VILLAGER #1: If. she.. weighs the same as a duck, she’s made of wood.
CROWD: A witch! A witch! A witch!
BEDEVERE: We shall use my largest scales!
BEDEVERE: Who are you who are so wise in the ways of science?
ARTHUR: I am Arthur, King of the Britons.
ARTHUR: Good Sir knight, will you come with me to Camelot, and join us at the Round Table?
BEDEVERE: My liege! I would be honored.
BEDEVERE: Bedevere, my leige.
ARTHUR: Then I dub you Sir Bedevere, Knight of the Round Table.
Scene 6
ARTHUR: This new learning amazes me, Sir Bedevere. Explain again how sheeps’ bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
BEDEVERE: Oh, certainly, sir.
ARTHUR: Shhh! Knights, I bid you welcome to your new home. Let us ride. to Camelot.
Scene 7
GOD: Arthur! Arthur, King of the Britons! Oh, don’t grovel! If there’s one thing I can’t stand, it’s people groveling.
GOD: Well, don’t. It’s like those miserable Psalms — they’re so depressing. Now knock it off!
GOD: Right! Arthur, King of the Britons — you’re Knights of the Round Table shall have a task to make them an example in these dark times.
GOD: ‘Course it’s a good idea! Behold! Arthur, this is the Holy Grail. Look well, Arthur, for it is your sacred task to seek this Grail. That is your purpose, Arthur the Quest for the Holy Grail.
LAUNCELOT: A blessing from the Lord!
Scene 8
ARTHUR: It is King Arthur, and these are my Knights of the Round Table. Who’s castle is this?
GUARD: This is the castle of my master, Guy de Loimbard!
ARTHUR: Go and tell your master that we have been charged by God with a sacred quest. If he will give us food and shelter for the night he can join us in our quest for the Holy Grail.
GUARD: Well, I’ll ask him, but I don’t think he’ll be very keen. Uh, he’s already got one, you see?
ARTHUR: Are you sure he’s got one?
GUARD: Oh, yes, it’s very nice-a (I told him we already got one)
ARTHUR: Well, um, can we come up and have a look?
GUARD: Of course not! You are English types-a!
ARTHUR: Well, what are you then?
GUARD: Mind your own business!
ARTHUR: If you will not show us the Grail, we shall take your castle by force!
ARTHUR: Now look here, my good man!
GALAHAD: Is there someone else up there we could talk to?
ARTHUR: Now, this is your last chance. I’ve been more than reasonable.
ARTHUR: If you do not agree to my commands, then I shall— [twang] [moooooooooooooooooooooooooo] Jesus Christ! Right! Charge!
LAUNCELOT: Fiends! I’ll tear them apart!
BEDEVERE: Sir! I have a plan, sir.
[later]
[chop saw chop saw]
[rumble rumble squeak]
[Wheeling trojan rabbit up to castle gates]
MUTTERING GUARDS: C’est un lapin, lapin de bois. Quoi? Un cadeau. What? A present. Oh, un cadeau. Oui, oui. Hurry. What? Let’s go. Oh. On y va. Bon magne. Over here.
BEDEVERE: Well, now, uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I, wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the rabbit, taking the French by surprise — not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!
BEDEVERE: Uh, Launcelot, Galahad, and I. Uh, leap out of the rabbit, uh and uh.
BEDEVERE: Oh. Um, l-look, if we built this large wooden badger.
ALL: Run away! Run away! Run away! Run away!
Monty Python and The Holy Grail
ARTHUR: It is I, Arthur, son of Uther Pendragon, from the castle of Camelot. King of the Britons, defeator of the Saxons, sovereign of all England!
SOLDIER #1: Pull the other one!
ARTHUR: I am. And this my trusty servant Patsy. We have ridden the length and breadth of the land in search of knights who will join me in my court of Camelot. I must speak with your lord and master.
SOLDIER #1: What, ridden on a horse?
SOLDIER #1: You’re using coconuts!
SOLDIER #1: You’ve got two empty halves of coconut and you’re bangin’ ’em together.
ARTHUR: So? We have ridden since the snows of winter covered this land, through the kingdom of Mercea, through—
SOLDIER #1: Where’d you get the coconut?
SOLDIER #1: Found them? In Mercea? The coconut’s tropical!
SOLDIER #1: Well, this is a temperate zone.
ARTHUR: The swallow may fly south with the sun or the house martin or the plumber may seek warmer climes in winter yet these are not strangers to our land.
SOLDIER #1: Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?
ARTHUR: Not at all, they could be carried.
SOLDIER #1: What — a swallow carrying a coconut?
ARTHUR: It could grip it by the husk!
SOLDIER #1: It’s not a question of where he grips it! It’s a simple question of weight ratios! A five ounce bird could not carry a 1 pound coconut.
ARTHUR: Well, it doesn’t matter. Will you go and tell your master that Arthur from the Court of Camelot is here.
SOLDIER #1: Listen, in order to maintain air-speed velocity, a swallow needs to beat its wings 43 times every second, right?
SOLDIER #2: It could be carried by an African swallow!
SOLDIER #1: Oh, yeah, an African swallow maybe, but not a European swallow. That’s my point.
SOLDIER #2: Oh, yeah, I agree with that.
ARTHUR: Will you ask your master if he wants to join my court at Camelot?!
SOLDIER #1: But then of course, uh, African swallows are non-migratory.
SOLDIER #1: So, they couldn’t bring a coconut back anyway.
SOLDIER #2: Wait a minute! Supposing two swallows carried it together?
SOLDIER #1: No, they’d have to have it on a line.
SOLDIER #2: Well, simple! They’d just use a strand of creeper!
SOLDIER #1: What, held under the dorsal guiding feathers?